Columns about nothing

Writing columns isn't easy. I've done it on occasion, and I find it even more difficult than putting together a feature story in which I am heavily invested.

My column-writing experience came in college, when I pounded out two to three a week. All but two I consider completely forgettable or completely embarrassing. The other two were both humor columns. One, which ran in our Halloween edition, focused on the ghostly legends that made the rounds around our campus. The second was about growing up Baptist. As far as topics go, well, the Halloween column was at least about our campus. The other was soley about me. In college, I cut kids some slack.

I don't do the same when it comes to professional newspapers.

It's common to find plentiful columns in newspapers. Everyone in the newsroom seems to fancy himself a columnist. I all but quit reading columns years ago, though, when I got tired of reading about a certain columnist's husband. And another's quirky neighbor. And yet another's ongoing argument regarding wallpaper. I have two dogs. I love them. I love them to the point where I sometimes sleep at the foot of the bed because they've made themselves comfortable on my pillow. But I'd never write a column about them.

I don't care anyone else's cat, neighbor, husband or wallpaper. So I don't expect anyone else to care that my dogs are the cutest and smartest in all the land. If you neighbor is so quirky and funny, buy a copy of FinalDrafter and write up a sitcom pilot about him. Toss in a goofy husband who can't choose wallpaper and the family cat and voila -- instant telvision gold.

When it comes to newspaper columns, I'd prefer to read about something in my city. A zoning dispute, maybe, or some dumb thing a council member said. Something that actually has an effect on me. Your wallpaper isn't going to hang in my house so why should I care about it?
An occasional column about your home life is fine; it's OK to mix them up, especially if you happen to be a really good column writer. But please, please leave out all information regarding your own personal hygiene.

But like I said, columns aren't easy. And though they are considered a cushy job, that shouldn't mean you can drop any pretense of journalism and churn out what are basically well-written (hopefully) blogs.